To be clear, it is not my intention to idolize the position of the side chic, nor suggest in any way that it is a role to strive for; I am not Shonda Rhimes. But then, there is no denying that we live in a city where most men consider having a woman without a side chic same as having a meal without a drink (it just does not make sense) So, too many people have grown comfortable with the idea of a man having a side chic or even a side guy.
In my opinion, it is complete BS! No one should have to be in a position where they always come in second place. Every single girl is worthy of someone who will make them a priority and stay committed to them. However, I am willing to play the devil’s advocate to ensure that these girls, who have chosen or discovered that their destiny in life is to fulfill the role of girlfriend number two a.k.a side chic, have the right guidelines to charter their cause.
No need to turn your nose up at me either! Truth be told, there are plenty of women in our fabulous city who go along with this dynamic…and let’s face it, almost every woman has been a side chic at some point in time. Some of us became side chics accidentally, while others dabbled into it either for the thrill, to kill time, reduce loneliness, avenge a friend’s act of wickedness, prove their love to the guy with the hope that he will eventually choose them or just for the ratchets. So, for every side chic in Lagos who has refused emancipation, read on to learn the basics rules you need to observe to become the perfect side chic.
Understand your place in the universe
In life, there is the good and the bad, and no matter how much you try to avoid it, some people will have to take on the ugly roles that life dishes. As a side chic, you are one of those who get one of these dreadful roles. You need to accept the part you have chosen to play and be content with it …or, at least, try to deal with it. Understand and be comfortable with the fact that you are not his main chic or wife. He will never compromise his marriage/relationship for you. You will never be the priority. You have no control of his life and you will never get the level of intimacy you crave with him.
Realise that you will not be able to contact him any time you wish to. His attention will be rationed, and at some point, you may have to deal with a cat fight or even death threat from his significant other. Do not interfere with his plans; ensure that you always go with his flow. The best you can get from him are sex, money, gifts and a few laughs. You are a side chic, nothing more…nothing less. Understand that and have your peace.
Keep it all under wraps
As much as you enjoy being the side chic, you do not want to be shamed for it. Ensure your meetings are clandestine and paroles coded. Stay away from public places and keep your relationship away from the social media. Aside from reducing chances of getting caught, going out or showing coded affection on the social media opens doors for emotional attachment and a false sense of entitlement, and those two always lead to strong feelings. The strong feelings then fan your side chic dreams, turning them into main chic ambitions… and you do not need all the craziness that comes with that. Keep all contacts to phone calls only. Stay away from his social media pages, do not tag him on Facebook, tweet him or regrann his posts on Instagram.
No matter how loyal you are to him or how strong you think you are, you will not be happy when you see another woman (his main girl) getting all the attention you should be getting on his social media walls. You also do not want him messing up your social media game by creating suspicion around you with so many tags and tweets. If possible, block him from your social media pages. You reduce chances or being traced and protect yourself that way.
Do not involve your heart or fall in love with the man
This is the easiest rule to remember, but the hardest rule to follow. To be the successful side chic, you must have your heart locked away somewhere so far the man cannot reach it, because if you want to stay sane throughout the ‘situationship’, you cannot fall in love with him or give him the opportunity to pull at your heart strings, no matter how much he persists or how nice he seems to be. Never take him seriously and do what it takes to keep it that way, whether you share the same interests, he ‘gets’ you and is easy to talk to or is her is super caring and generous. No doubt, making love to him over and over again may get you feeling intimate and close to him, but you have to find a way around it and stop your feelings before it consumes you.
In fact, do not show him any love outside of the bedroom. You show him love, you show him weakness. You may think that your case will be the different one where he will fall in love with you too and you will end up together in the end. Yes, it happens, and you probably even know someone who was in your position and things all worked out in the end, but…realize that that is the exception to rule. Statistically, you are more likely to be the rule, and you will get your heart broken.
Do not contact the main girl or his other women
You are a side chic. You know this. You knew when you took up with him that there was already someone in the Number 1 spot, yet, you chose to stay.
You also know, deep inside, that he probably has other women who, like you, chose to stay with him. Do not expect the position of the Number 1 chic, (as well as the other chics)to change just because you developed feelings and now you want him to be yours alone. Do not go contacting the others out of jealousy or in the bid to carry out a fruitless plan to get rid of them. Think about it; even if “wifey” or main girl were to leave, opening up that main slot, you are unlikely to get promoted to the position. Even if you do, you leave your position open for others. It’s an unending battle really. How do you even identify yourself when you contact them? “Hey, this is Folake. I’m Nnamdi’s… uhm…” or “You need to leave Ifeanyi alone because he is my….” Please, what are you to him, really? Ask yourself and take a seat biko. If you have any issues with the other women in “your” man’s life, take it up with him and let the others be.
Do not invest in the relationship
As the side chic, realize that you are on borrowed time and it is all temporary. No cheat (yes, that is what you are) has ever successfully gotten away with cheating. No matter how well you cover your steps, you will either get caught at some point and have to end it; he will get tired of you and move on; or you will get a brain and get your life together.
Kill all expectations you may have and keep in mind that you will forever remain the side chic. Do not invest any part of you: emotions, finance e.t.c on him. Do not give him your money or open a joint account with him. Even if you let him live off you with the hope that he will choose you, realize that you are only making a fool of yourself as he will never really love you for who you are. He will surely leave once the money stops flowing…and why would you even sponsor any man who keeps you as a side chic?
Always use protection
Like my sister would say: To be forewarned, is to be forearmed. The man whose conscience is seared enough to keep you as a side chic will not flinch over giving you an STD or worse HIV or Hep C. Do not be in denial, you know it, if he is sleeping with you while he has a wife or main girl, chances are he is sleeping with others and possibly having random one night stands, and he may not be using protection with them. Basically, you cannot vouch for his ‘ohlala’ as you do not know where and where it has been, so, you cannot afford a skin to skin rendezvous with him. Do not give him the benefit of doubt.
Protect yourself because you are all you’ve got! And if your plan is to get pregnant and give him the son he has been searching for, then you are digging a deeper pit for your fall. There is no guarantee that he will leave his woman or that she will leave him when you give birth to the child. Why risk it? Your situation is already bad enough.
It is no secret that being a side chic is so much more difficult than being the main chic. If you have chosen the role to play, the best you can do is give it your best while it lasts. If however you chose to go through it with the hope that you will eventually take first place, you may be in for a real shock…even if you apply the rules above. Chances are, the person you are with will continue to play you like a bunch of worn-out strings until you get a brain. If you ask me, being the single chic trumps being the side chic any day…or what do you think?
Have you had any experience as a side chic?
Let’s talk about it in the comment section.
Understand your place in the universe
In life, there is the good and the bad, and no matter how much you try to avoid it, some people will have to take on the ugly roles that life dishes. As a side chic, you are one of those who get one of these dreadful roles. You need to accept the part you have chosen to play and be content with it …or, at least, try to deal with it. Understand and be comfortable with the fact that you are not his main chic or wife. He will never compromise his marriage/relationship for you. You will never be the priority. You have no control of his life and you will never get the level of intimacy you crave with him.
Realise that you will not be able to contact him any time you wish to. His attention will be rationed, and at some point, you may have to deal with a cat fight or even death threat from his significant other. Do not interfere with his plans; ensure that you always go with his flow. The best you can get from him are sex, money, gifts and a few laughs. You are a side chic, nothing more…nothing less. Understand that and have your peace.
Keep it all under wraps
As much as you enjoy being the side chic, you do not want to be shamed for it. Ensure your meetings are clandestine and paroles coded. Stay away from public places and keep your relationship away from the social media. Aside from reducing chances of getting caught, going out or showing coded affection on the social media opens doors for emotional attachment and a false sense of entitlement, and those two always lead to strong feelings. The strong feelings then fan your side chic dreams, turning them into main chic ambitions… and you do not need all the craziness that comes with that. Keep all contacts to phone calls only. Stay away from his social media pages, do not tag him on Facebook, tweet him or regrann his posts on Instagram.
No matter how loyal you are to him or how strong you think you are, you will not be happy when you see another woman (his main girl) getting all the attention you should be getting on his social media walls. You also do not want him messing up your social media game by creating suspicion around you with so many tags and tweets. If possible, block him from your social media pages. You reduce chances or being traced and protect yourself that way.
Do not involve your heart or fall in love with the man
This is the easiest rule to remember, but the hardest rule to follow. To be the successful side chic, you must have your heart locked away somewhere so far the man cannot reach it, because if you want to stay sane throughout the ‘situationship’, you cannot fall in love with him or give him the opportunity to pull at your heart strings, no matter how much he persists or how nice he seems to be. Never take him seriously and do what it takes to keep it that way, whether you share the same interests, he ‘gets’ you and is easy to talk to or is her is super caring and generous. No doubt, making love to him over and over again may get you feeling intimate and close to him, but you have to find a way around it and stop your feelings before it consumes you.
In fact, do not show him any love outside of the bedroom. You show him love, you show him weakness. You may think that your case will be the different one where he will fall in love with you too and you will end up together in the end. Yes, it happens, and you probably even know someone who was in your position and things all worked out in the end, but…realize that that is the exception to rule. Statistically, you are more likely to be the rule, and you will get your heart broken.
Do not contact the main girl or his other women
You are a side chic. You know this. You knew when you took up with him that there was already someone in the Number 1 spot, yet, you chose to stay.
You also know, deep inside, that he probably has other women who, like you, chose to stay with him. Do not expect the position of the Number 1 chic, (as well as the other chics)to change just because you developed feelings and now you want him to be yours alone. Do not go contacting the others out of jealousy or in the bid to carry out a fruitless plan to get rid of them. Think about it; even if “wifey” or main girl were to leave, opening up that main slot, you are unlikely to get promoted to the position. Even if you do, you leave your position open for others. It’s an unending battle really. How do you even identify yourself when you contact them? “Hey, this is Folake. I’m Nnamdi’s… uhm…” or “You need to leave Ifeanyi alone because he is my….” Please, what are you to him, really? Ask yourself and take a seat biko. If you have any issues with the other women in “your” man’s life, take it up with him and let the others be.
Do not invest in the relationship
As the side chic, realize that you are on borrowed time and it is all temporary. No cheat (yes, that is what you are) has ever successfully gotten away with cheating. No matter how well you cover your steps, you will either get caught at some point and have to end it; he will get tired of you and move on; or you will get a brain and get your life together.
Kill all expectations you may have and keep in mind that you will forever remain the side chic. Do not invest any part of you: emotions, finance e.t.c on him. Do not give him your money or open a joint account with him. Even if you let him live off you with the hope that he will choose you, realize that you are only making a fool of yourself as he will never really love you for who you are. He will surely leave once the money stops flowing…and why would you even sponsor any man who keeps you as a side chic?
Always use protection
Like my sister would say: To be forewarned, is to be forearmed. The man whose conscience is seared enough to keep you as a side chic will not flinch over giving you an STD or worse HIV or Hep C. Do not be in denial, you know it, if he is sleeping with you while he has a wife or main girl, chances are he is sleeping with others and possibly having random one night stands, and he may not be using protection with them. Basically, you cannot vouch for his ‘ohlala’ as you do not know where and where it has been, so, you cannot afford a skin to skin rendezvous with him. Do not give him the benefit of doubt.
Protect yourself because you are all you’ve got! And if your plan is to get pregnant and give him the son he has been searching for, then you are digging a deeper pit for your fall. There is no guarantee that he will leave his woman or that she will leave him when you give birth to the child. Why risk it? Your situation is already bad enough.
It is no secret that being a side chic is so much more difficult than being the main chic. If you have chosen the role to play, the best you can do is give it your best while it lasts. If however you chose to go through it with the hope that you will eventually take first place, you may be in for a real shock…even if you apply the rules above. Chances are, the person you are with will continue to play you like a bunch of worn-out strings until you get a brain. If you ask me, being the single chic trumps being the side chic any day…or what do you think?
Have you had any experience as a side chic?
Let’s talk about it in the comment section.
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